He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
