Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
