Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
