He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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