I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
