I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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