I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
