You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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