Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
