Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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