mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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