someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
