I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
