If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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