Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
