After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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