I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
