wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
