i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
