Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm passing your future prison.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
