M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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