I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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