Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
