She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
