my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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