her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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