After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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