I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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