its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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