all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
