You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
