what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
