just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
