I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
