I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
