I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
