ya dads aren't the best wingmen
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
