my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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