Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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