I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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