we have officially lost it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
