He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
