she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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