don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
