I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
