he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
