Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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