i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
