oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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