went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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