the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
