he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
