I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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